So i've decided that I want to become a professional cake decorator!

A short story that I was working on and then stopped.

a class A jerk.

I squinted my eyes and let the tears sting the corner of my eyes. "Why are you such a jerk to me all the time", i managed to choke out. "i'm not" he replied sternly. It was hard to even fathom the words that were coming out of his mouth "i'm so tired of you", "i don't want to get your sickness", " what a waste of a day spending it with you". How had i looked all my friends in the face and said "he's the nicest guy on the planet". now it seemed like such a lie. I slowly slid off the bed and huddled on the floor, i couldn't contemplate what to do next. How can you digest words when your stomach can't even hold them. How can you invest so much time with another person, wrap a life togather entangled and then just leave, but also when was ENOUGH? It would have simply been easy to just flip open a book and have the answer right in front of your face, but that never was the case and that simply would never happen. so what was i suppose to do? i didn't want to tell anyone of this secret incdent, it wasn't like he physically hit me, but rather verbally sucker punched me in the face. And sadly it still stung. I kept my mouth shut and layed myself on the floor, my compassion was running on it's last sting and all i could feel was all the gas money i used on him. All the underwear i neatly folded for him. All the early morning coffee's i made him. And never did i get that in return without having to open my mouth. It was my secret battle, was I really the one who was being the nicest of the two? was i the one who really was the glue in the relationship? Maybe.

I have a tendency to write short stories and then forget all about them, it's this annoying habit of mine. It's like life I suppose, I just can never tell what's going to happen in the ending.

I've been thinking,

About all the failures that i've collected in my short existence on this planet and maybe I'm finally learning to accept that I don't need to know what exactly what I want to do with my life yet... it's been this struggle to figure out what I want to accomplish, almost even little things in life are a hard decision at this point.

To many breakdowns and too many daydreams have landed me here. Stuck in this town that I feel no acceptance toward. It's almost like having a constant stomach ache that never goes away. A gnawing at the back of my mind about wanting what's best for ME but not caring about the other people around me.

I've decided that I'm gonna move to seattle.

End of story.

Basically,

I kinda had one of those days with josh. He was cranky annoying and just down right mean to me. I planned on studying all day today for an upcoming very important test and he decided that he was going to act like a small child. Slamming doors glaring at me and so on and so forth. I found this quite annoying he complained how he wanted to do something and how IIIII never ever wanted to do anything fun. Sure I would have loved going and seeing a movie instead of writing down tons of terms for psych class, but I know what I have to do and what needs to be done in my life.

on a lighter note I went to my very first roller derby practice lastnight!!!! IT WAS AMAZING and I loved every minute of it! I wish I could instantly be part of the roller derby LEAGUE already but just like every one else I have to train my ass of and work towards the top. So I got there and I honestly thought that I was going to throw up and I wasn't going to be able to make it, and I was going to fail miserably! BUT the world famous "Mcnasty" tapped on my window and told me to get inside and get ready for some roller derby! it was awesome all of the women were totally nice to me and totally friendly! at first i was totally intimidated by then I got over it and got into it! I finally learned how to skate the proper way and do a one knee slide or stop.... I was totally sweating balls by the end of my little newbie practice.... and i totally left wanting MOOOOORRREEEE! so i plan on going next tuesday :)

Driving,

on the highway, i switched the heat on full blast and tried to make my eyes go as wide as they could. My eyes switched over to the passenger seat, there on the seat lied my brand new triple 8 helmet, it smelled exotic and looked amazing with it's glossy finish and bright yellow straps. I was slowly getting myself ready for roller derby, ready for something new and exciting in my life. I had already done wks of internet research. Sitting late night in front of the glowing screen watching clips of amazing women basing into each other. Josh didn't think I could do it and that stung deep down but only made me more determined to conquer a big fear, trying out for sports. The butterflies that i get in the pit of my stomach. How was I super shy girl going to make it all the way out there.

Tomorrow I was actually going to do it.

Where the trees meet the wind.

New Rules,

this is my life my rules, and for some reason i totally just got that driving josh to work the other day. i feel like everything is hitting me insanely over a span of a couple wks. of course my mom always tells me things, but i just associate it with random bantering! so from now on what ever i decide i want to do that day i'm just gonna go ahead and do it. For myself and not for anyone else.

on another note josh's computer broke the other day which means he's in total despare, he spends most of his time and energy on that thing. Don't get me wrong i totally love my comp too but not like that.... it was sad, he freaked and rushed me out the door to get to the nearest mac fixer upper around... he babied that thing the whole car ride over that... sad times... LUICKLY it was still under warranty so he doesn't have to spend a penny on it, apparently it would have been uber exspensive to fix and everything!

So i finished reading this book called "undiscovered gyrl" and the ending was terrible and it totally pissed ME OFF... i read it in like a span of two days, not folding laundry and neglecting the crumbs on the floor because i found it to be really good... and then i got to the end, the main character ends up going missing! WHAT THE HELL! she was having major recovery and was figuring shit out and then she goes missing! terrible, i tell you just awful!

i could really go for some nice cheese and crackers. after i dropped off josh this morning i pigged out on my moms homemade chicken soup and feel asleep in front of the t.v.

if only life could be that simple alllll the time :)

take pleasure in the little things my friends!

a small update

I've been feeling super old lately, like all my youth has bee sucked out of me. It's bizzare but totally true. My life is how I choose for it yo be, I honestly don't know how to change myself sometimes :(
I think I still have a bit of a cold brewing in my system cause I feel like crap. I waish someone would just come and fix me!